Supporting Families Living with Dementia: What to Know Before You Visit

When it comes to individuals with dementia, so many aspects of their personality and life change. They may become forgetful, confused, nonverbal, spacey, or even detached—and each person’s experience is different. The hardest part of our mom’s disease is that the person we once knew and loved is no longer here in the same way. For the family, this becomes a new reality, and we adjust to the transitions.

One of the most difficult parts has been watching friends—hers and ours—visit her. For a long time, I struggled with letting my friends see my mom as she is now. I’m protective of her, and it’s painful for everyone. But two Christmases ago, my childhood best friend, Maggie, came over on Christmas Eve. She hadn’t seen June in a while since she doesn’t live nearby. Maggie walked right up to her, gave her a big hug, and said, “I love you.” Cue Michelle and me crying.

That was the first time one of my friends visited my “new mom,” and it turned out to be a beautiful experience. Not every visit will be perfect, though. The truth is, it can be hard to navigate so that everyone feels comfortable. Maggie’s approach gave me the courage to start letting friends see my mom again. For many of them, June was like a second mom growing up.

I can’t speak to how all illnesses affect relationships, but I can say this: dementia is a tricky one. I know we’re not the only family going through it, so here are some tips for both visitors and hosts when it comes to spending time with a loved one who has dementia.

For the Visitor

Be prepared.
No one is ever really prepared, but try to ready yourself for meeting a new version of your friend or relative. The first visit will likely be emotional. Over time, you’ll adjust to a new normal. If the family hasn’t kept you updated, ask. You don’t want to walk in expecting to catch up over coffee only to find your friend is no longer speaking.

Bring something engaging.
While interests fade over time, sometimes something small can spark joy. Adult coloring books, markers, or simple games are wonderful gifts to bring. Our aunt often orders games for June from the Alzheimer’s Association website—that’s a great place to start. Walks can also be a lovely way to spend time together, offering fresh air and movement. Children’s books are another option if your loved one can still read. Reading aloud can be a sweet way to hear that familiar voice.

Go with the flow.
As one doctor once told Michelle: “If your mom pulls up a chair in front of the microwave because that’s her TV, pull up a chair and join her.” That advice is golden. Meet them where they are.

What to bring.
Flowers are always a beautiful gift. They brighten the room and bring a touch of nature inside—something many dementia patients don’t get to experience often.

Cry it out.
Don’t hold it in. Cry in the bathroom, on your drive home, or with a hug from the family. This is a sad journey. The good news is that your loved one isn’t aware of it in the way we are. A healthy cry is part of the process.

Visit when you can.
If it’s hard for you to come often, don’t beat yourself up. Even short visits add positive energy and love. Every little bit helps.

Stay positive.
Your loved one may not be able to communicate or remember, but they are still there. A gentle touch, a laugh, or simply your presence brings comfort. Good vibes go a long way.

For the Host

Be ready for anything.
Have extra clothes, tissues, and even a bottle of wine on standby. The first visit may be tough, but it gets easier with time.

Plan activities.
Keep coloring books, simple games, or even just the idea of sitting outside with refreshments handy. A little preparation goes a long way.

Go with the flow.
Let your loved one set the pace. Some days it might be coloring, other days a walk or a TV session. Follow their lead.

Cultivate positivity.
Do whatever grounds you. For me, that means lighting candles, smudging the house, or taking deep breaths. Maybe it’s yoga, maybe it’s a glass of wine. Whatever helps you welcome guests with a positive mindset, do it.

Prep your visitor.
Give them a gentle heads-up about your loved one’s current condition. It helps soften the initial shock.

Prep your loved one.
Let them know someone is coming. Sometimes, light memory games like counting or naming the days of the week can help stimulate them beforehand. And if a guy walks in? You can bet June flashes her signature smile.

For Both

Find the humor.
Dementia can cause behavior that may seem odd, but it’s their normal. If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry endlessly. Laughter truly is medicine, and sometimes, your loved one might just laugh right along with you.

Be each other’s support.
It’s hard for both sides. Lean on one another. Sometimes, that means sharing a glass of wine after the visit. Over time, a loved one’s friend can even become your new friend.

We grew up in a full house—always buzzing with people, laughter, and the smell of good food. June loved it. These days, we do our best to keep that spirit alive in her home. With warmer weather ahead, we’ll be gathering around her place again, holding space for love, family, and friendship.

For anyone going through this, know that we see you. We’re sending you positive vibes and the biggest virtual hug.

Love it. Live it. Share it.
XO

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